There has been a lot of grief in the community as of late. I have experienced a lot of loss in my life, with my most recent loss has been one of our family’s furbabies, Sophie. My clients know how much of an animal lover I am, so they will not be surprised to hear that her loss hit me hard. Regardless of whether your loss is a beloved pet, a beloved person, or a major life change, grief is hard. Here is some information to help you along the way.
- There are a lot of theories about grief. Kubler-Ross has one of the biggest theories, that people vacillate among the following stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. It is theorized that people bounce among these stages not necessarily in order and that each stage is very individualized. I prefer to think of grief as the ball in the box analogy. So, when a loss just occurs, picture a bowling ball in a box. The ball hitting the sides of the box represents your pain. In the beginning, the ball can’t help but hit the box constantly. Over time, the ball shrinks to a softball, a tennis ball, a golf ball, etc. and can grow bigger again over time. While the ball might not hit the box as much as it shrinks, when it hits the side it hits just as hard. This is why over time grief still hurts.
- There is no timeline. I get a lot of “shoulds” in therapy about grief. I should be over this by now. How long should this take? I should be sadder. I should be doing better. I should be able to deal with this. There are no cookie cutter responses to grief and there are no cookie cutter answers. Your grief will be very individualized. Going back to the beloved Sophie, one of my favorite memories of her is her floating on her pool raft. When I look at the raft, sometimes it makes me smile thinking of her. Sometimes it’s painful. Let your grief run it’s course and know each day will be different.
- Grief does not just mean death. Had a long term relationship end? Leave a long standing job? Lose a good friend? Go through a big life change? You may experience grief, because your life has lost the experience it knew.
- Make some new traditions and keep some old traditions. I once had a client tell me that every year for Christmas Eve their family ate sushi. Even in the event of a grief incident, it might be nice to continue eating sushi. But, it might be too painful. Keep some memories and traditions that make you feel good but let some go if you need to.
- Change your environment. I once hade a client who went through a very difficult trauma. I suggested she buy a new blanket, rearrange her bedroom, etc. Why? Your grief and trauma are triggered by your environment. Changing those things can be helpful.
- There is no proper way to react to grief. Did you ever watch one of those crime shows where a cop indicates someone’s guilt because they did not seem sad or upset? This is outdated thinking. Our stress response systems make us handle grief and trauma in many different ways. Some people are sad. Some are angry. Some seem dazed. Some are fine. Some experience physical symptoms (i.e. headaches, lack of sleep, dizziness, fatigue). It is all normal. Don’t avoid your emotions, but it is also okay if you are not feeling them. No, you do not have to force yourself to feel a certain way. You also should not feel guilty if you do not feel a certain way. Most of it is likely out of your control.
- Seek help and support. Some people feel religious figures help. A lot come to therapy with someone like myself or Gina. Some join support groups. Social support is one of the most important things for humans. Make sure you seek it out in any way you can.
I hope some of these tips can be helpful. Need more? Please feel free to reach out to us at info@myinfinitewellbeing.com for more resources.